Hey You,

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a current picture of myself. I used to do so with regularity featuring lippies that accentuate my full pout. I’d stage a little photoshoot in the back yard and get out my favourite features. I used to know what my body looked like without the need of a mirror. I knew what pants would fit my hips, hold in my butt, and accentuate my waist. And my waist used to be its own entity not a joint one with my tummy. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a full figured hour glass (with an extra 15 minutes in it) shape most of my adult life and love being a full figured woman, but it’s crazy what a little bit of stress and extra weight can do when you’re not emotionally and mentally healthy they way you’re used to being.

Just before my birthday last year, I lost 12-14 pounds in a short amount of time and felt great. It must have been noticeable because a few people said something. I enjoyed my birthday festivities and Christmas holidays with friends, families, smiles, and fun outfits. By the end of March I had gained double what I lost and the numbers on the scale were climbing. I had a lot of stress and anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks in the new year and lost my appetite for the intermittent fasting regime I’d known before the holidays and replaced it with quick filling meals and yummy pastries when I could. I went on vacation shortly after Easter and didn’t really care about my size, because it’s hot and we we’re at the beach, but when others were at the gym or watching what they ate, I made small mental notes that I was the “big one”.

I would try to take a selfie every so often, but noticed my jawline disappearing and my face growing rounder. And not once did I ever look in the mirror and think, “this is not cute” because baby I can be cute in any size, I just didn’t and sometimes don’t feel like me. So the picture would stay in my phone or worse get deleted and the joy of my appearance from the morning while getting ready would dissipate when the phone didn’t quite capture what I thought I saw. But I recently heard in an interview where someone was quoting a friend who said, “A sunset is always beautiful but the pictures we take of it never do it justice”…that made me feel a tiny bit better. No one would ever look at a sunset and think “No honey, you’re just not shining the way you did last week”.

I’ve decided to get back on the intermittent-for-a-size-healthier-me train not for anyone else but myself. I decided to take a picture of my lip choice today because it was bold and fun the way I like to be and I decided to just try. The world of fashion and other public places like the stage and film are back to highlighting the thin eyebrows and waistlines of skinny minis again since the 90s and early 2000 trends are back🙄, but if you are any kind of millennial, you’ll know some of those were big mistakes and we should all keep our eyebrows because they just don’t grow back the same, we should love the skin we’ve been given, and we should be the healthy we need to be for our lifestyles. Nude lips, red glosses, matte mauves, and satin purples all have a place at the table and fuller figures of women and men can be and are just as worthy of shine time and love and access to healthy options as the others…and yet it’s a work in progress within myself first.

Most people will still compliment me on an outfit or a lip choice, and no I’m not bragging, but what they see is someone being confident (if only outwardly) in the moment more than the outfit. I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve heard, “oh I could never get away with that colour” or “your skin makes a great canvas for that outfit”. Honey, my confidence is why I wear the colour and the outfit. Lately, it’s my confidence that has taken the hit even if others don’t notice it and is why I’m taking a moment to say Hi again. I don’t want to blend in because I’ve gotten a little thicker and I don’t just want clear lipgloss unless that thing is going to pop, I want to be the confident orange-lippie-wearing chick walking in the God-given confidence I found when I realized God makes no mistakes.

I don’t know what your current hang up is or if you’ve slipped back into your chapstick only wearing days, but Babe, let’s try again, for us, for fun, just because we can, while doing all of the necessary things we might need to do ( like therapy, exercise, a good cry, journaling) and wear the lippy with a smile because it won’t always be this way. #wearitlikeyoumeanit 💋

Love,

T.